i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
