So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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