i think my tv is drunk
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
