I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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