i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
