its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
