My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
