My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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