The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
