Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
