so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
