If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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