Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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