so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
