So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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