And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Randomize
