He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
