Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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