apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
can u get pink eye on your cock?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize