my phone needs a breathalizer
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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