It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
