Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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