I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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