I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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