It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
