my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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