she looked like the before picture.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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