She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
