So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
