i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
