she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I forgot wine drunk hurts
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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