I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I look better un-naked...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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