you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize