If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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