Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
