I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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