then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
