I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
