i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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