there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
