You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
