Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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