I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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