I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
