Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize