just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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