why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
