Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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