"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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