i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
