My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
