i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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