Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
