Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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