Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
please come you make the beer taste better
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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