There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
