It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
